Raisinets

So, a while back I had a discussion with Aubrey, aka HurricaneAubrey, about the delicious confection called Raisinets. As most of you know, a Raisinet(please imagine me saying this word with lots of omnipotent echo and reverb) is simply a raisin, purportedly nature's candy, covered in milk chocolate.

This is one of those foods where you forget how tasty it is because you don't eat it often, but sweet Moses, when you do open a bag(or box) of Raisinets, in most cases you can't stop eating them until said bag/box is empty.

Anywho, Aubrey mentioned eating some today and I felt inspired to eat some in concert. Sadly, TRAGICALLY, there are no Raisinets to be found around the house and I kind of feel like it's a movie theater candy.

So, uh... I found some Icebreakers Sours in my car... Sadly, a sugar-free fruit flavored mints do not fulfill my ravenous, chocolaty, raisin-y hunger...

However, my breath is pleasantly watermelon scented.

Still Not Getting Through.

You know what?

I keep expecting all areas of my life to miraculously get easier with the more introspective I get; the more I reflect, the more I live through things, the more I experience. I keep planting my mental and emotional feet into the ground, hoping that my boots will go deep enough so that nothing will ever be able to knock me over again.

The scary reality is this: it will never be easy again. If anything, thing swill continue to complicate themselves with time.

Lately, I feel like everyone needs me. It's as if I am the default lifesaver for so many situations that I sometimes wonder what's going to happen when I start drowning. The hard part is that so many people are running around me losing their minds that I feel so much pressure to keep my sanity, or we're all going to be hauled away by the whitecoats.

I think it's okay, though...

I'm here talking to you... assuming that you've kept reading. I'm still waking up in the mornings. I'm still loving and hurting and aching and singing. I'm still breathing.

And I'm still here for you if you need me.

I love stealing from AmazingPhil, too!

Username: zacharyxbinks

Why did you pick it?: There was this cheerleader named Tabbi who called me Zachary Binks in high school. Other kids started calling me that, and I created my YouTube account in high school, therefor...

Who did you first subscribe to?: Katers17. And we're talking wayyy back.

Who did you most recently subscribe to?: SarahGrace1, I think. I basically have a huge crush on her because if "Vlog1".

What does your last text message say?: "Wait, why?"

Do you have any goals?: To be the most sincere, helpful person alive.

What was the last thing you bought?: Tater Tots from Burger King, I think.

Describe the person who posted this using one line?: Part man, part beast, ALL PHIL.

Are you excited about anything?: Heck yeah, IT'S CALLED LIFE, amirite??

Do you have a crush? Oh, I might. I might, I might.

Have you ever been drunk?: Not proud to affirm this.

Who was the first Youtuber you met in real life?: Strawburry17

Who was the last Youtuber you met in real life?: um... Seanownstheworld, technically. I did meet him AFTER Meghan.

Do you pefer day or night?: Oh, both. Night in the city, day in the country.

Are you a member of any collab channels?: ONLY THE BEST ONE IN THE WORLD: ZOOM. Er... I mean, VlogCandy!

Do you have a secret account?: Nope.

Do you believe in God?: All my heart.

Which youtuber do you talk to the most?: DudeNeedaEaseOnUp and Strawburry17, for sure.

Which Youtuber do ou think makes the best videos?: Tie between LiveLavaLive and Fred.

You may only subscribe to 5 channels and only watch their videos. who will they be?:
HurricaneAubrey
DudeNeedaEaseOnUp
AndrewBravener
Strawburry17
AmazingJimmy0010PhilForest

Are you in a relationship?: 5, last time I counted. None of them based in reality.

would you date a smoker?: I could tolerate it. But yeah, none of it in the house/car/anything indoors.

Where is your favourite place?: Oh, this is hard. Powell Butte at sunset in the Summer time is high up there, though.

Are you a happy person?: I'd say so! I'm also a very sarcastic person, though.

Would you kiss the person who posted this?: MEYOWWW!

What would you take to the desert island? : A liferaft, Bible, good literature, a survival kit, and all of my friends so we could have an island cookout/party.

Do you prefer sun or snow?: Sun, sun, sun. I only like looking at snow.

Who did you last speak to on the phone? My mom, what of it?

Who did you last text?: Ollie, I think.

What are you doing tomorrow?: My insanely difficult math class that I am busting my butt for simply to pass.

What is your favourite flavour of potato chips?: Um. Jalapeno.

What size are your feet?: 12.

What do you want?: Oh, it's a list.

What do you need?: Hardly anything on this list.

What do you remember?: Lots of memories. Nostalgia is my middle name.

What do you wish?: That there were more than 24 hours in a day, and for peace of mind when it comes to schooling, and YouTube, and relationships, and all of that junk.

Confess:

I shot a man in Reno... *sobs* JUST TO WATCH HIM DIE.

Take me away, coppers.

Honesty. Do you want people to anonymously post what they REALLY Think of you ?

Oh goodness. If you haven't been honest with me, I'd honestly rather have you disappear from my Blog in a puff of smoke.

n_n

Forgiving. (more importantly, forgetting)

"Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door of resentment and the handcuffs of hate. It is a power that breaks the chains of bitterness and the shackles of selfishness.”
- William Arthur Ward

Being bitter is so easy. It shouldn't be but it is; it is effortless to hold grudges and to remember the the ways others have done wrong to us and to hold it against them. Worse still, wanting to inflict the same pain to others that we have felt ourselves. But to hold onto one's bitterness is to be addicted to a drug. Keeping all of that inside instead of letting it go feels so empowering but in reality, you are strangling your own heart and suffocating, continually returning to thoughts and events and feelings like that. Instead of freeing yourself, you are becoming your own prisoner, willingly. Even when the pain has subsided, it just feels natural to comeback to it, and to put yourself in the dark again, dwelling on things that you have no power to change.

It can be subtle, more subtle than you think, too. You don't have to be ruining anyone's life to still be holding onto the things you would have peace from by forgiving. Maybe you say some snide remark,waiting for a reaction because you are purposefully hoping to shock and insult (or spark jealousy, even). Perhaps, you think back on memories and wish they never happened at all. Maybe you talk badly about somebody once they aren't facing you. Could be as simple as listening to slow, sad songs and thinking about disappointments. Could be as bad as thinking of someone and wishing you could completely erase them from your life.

It is honestly so destructive.

You have to let go, or you will lose yourself. You really will. You will become a hollowed shadow of your formal self. You will lose trust in others, you will be full of suspicion, hope will vanish, despair and heartache will be a constant, and you will find it more and more difficult to put those feelings away. Relationships die because of it, mouths are silenced from it and doors shut, sometimes forever because of it.

You have to let go, or it will never let go of you.

Oh, you're still here?

Goodness, I should write in here.

How about we talk on the subject of change? Amazing segue, I know.

Here's the thing, I know I've talked about change, made a video about, and ran that topic into the proverbial ground (etc.) but it's still something I'd like to talk about. But there's a good quote, I dunno who said it- could've been Ghandi or Bono for all I know, but it's "The more we change, the more we stay the same".

And at first, this quote didn't make sense to me. I couldn't understand how something perpetually changing could somehow stay more of the same at the same time. But I understand it perfectly now.

Every time our lives change, it rocks our foundations and makes us question everything we knew before. We like to be safe, we like to know the places we should go, we like to know how other people feel about us, we like knowing where things should be, we like consistency and security. However, when things change, we have to learn all of that stuff all over again, or even un-learn things we used to know. It is honestly so, so hard.

In fact, it is so hard to change and adjust to it, that when we finally do change, we hope we never have to again. We find ways to cope, or ways to become comfortable with everything again, and once our feet touch the ground, we resist any kind of change to that as much as possible; even if it makes us miserable. I mean, even if it's good change, change that could bring new happiness and peace of mind to our lives, we'd rather keep things. Sure, things staying the way they are might hurt still, but at least it's a familiar hurt; one that you've learned.

Basically, I'm just writing this to again, acknowledge how hard change can be, especially with this knew year, at this age, where the future seems so unsure. We always get caught up and assume that we're going to stay the way we are, and that things are going to stay the way they are for the rest of our lives. It's just too hard to think of how different things might be tomorrow, even.

The long said short- I hope the best for all of you. I hope you find new solace once the storms have blown over. You'll be better for it. I know it.

Resolutions? 2009? What?

Meant to be read while something soft plays low in the background.

The New Year is a beacon; it shows everyone that they lived long enough to see through the last year's adversity, burdens, struggles, heartbreaks or hardships. Not only does it signify the perseverance and steadfastness of the human spirit, but it also signifies a fresh start and new beginning for anyone who wants it. This is the chance that inspires millions to make their resolutions for this New Year.

And I actually made a New Years Resolution, this year. I can honestly say that I didn't have one last year, and even if I did I doubt I'd remember it. But I think this year is different.

This year, I have made the resolution of selflessness. I don't just mean to be generous, or anything trite or cliche.

What I mean is this: in the year 2009, I have resolved to look past my own selfishness. I want every act I do, every word I speak, every decision I make, and every place I move to be for the benefit of others. I want to be a helping hand, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, and an open heart. I want to know within myself that nothing I do is motivated for my own gain; that I do nothing asking myself "Am I getting what I want? Do I feel good? Is my happiness intact? Is this going to take little effort on my part?"

I just want people to know they can count on me for everything. I want to know that I put others before myself, always.

So I guess all I have to ask is this, now:

How can I be there for you?

So long.

"Not only does travel give us a new system of reckoning, it also brings to the fore unknown aspects of our own self. Our consciousness being broadened and enriched, we shall judge ourselves more correctly."
-Ella Maillart

At first glance, it feels like a lot is the same; that I've returned to everything I once knew and loved the same as when I left. But that's not quite the truth, is it? It doesn't take grand gestures or remarkable moments to change someone and I know that I'm not coming back home the same person.

I am coming back 5 days older. I am coming back with new eyes that have seen different places and people. I am coming back with new relationships and older relationships that have changed. I am coming back with 5 more pounds of luggage in my over-packed black bag. I am coming back having seen my first sunrise from above the clouds. I am coming back on 3 hours of sleep. I am coming back with a playlist of slow, sad songs. I am coming back with a little piece of my heart left behind. I am coming back with a little piece of it broken. I am coming back with friends I never want to lose. I am coming back with hundreds of photographs and hours of film. I am coming back knowing what it's like to get lost in San Fransisco. I am coming back with pages from sketchbooks. I am coming back with quotes. I am coming back with memories I will pull out and think back to, late at night when I am left to my thoughts and with enough time to smile and put them away again.

I am happy to be back, and also-

I am happy I went.

White Christmas.

Here's what it looks like around my house.

All taken on Christmas day.

On Holidays

"Holidays are a time we enact age old rituals; solemn rights passed down from one generation to the next. A time for family and friends and good cheer. They're also a time for giving and receiving. A time for surprise. Some surprises are hidden in boxes, wrapped up with colorful paper and ribbons. Still, others we carry inside; concealed in our own hearts while we wait for just the right moment to reveal them."

There's something about the holiday season, isn't there? About wearing layers of coats and scarfs, the ambience of light, and seeing your breath outside. I think it brings all of us back to a place we don't often visit.

Am I making sense?

I mean, outside of this one season, I feel like I'm the same person; I'm the same boy you met in the summer as I am in the Spring, and chances are I'll be the same early fall. But once that late fall and winter starts to roll in, it's a different story. I think it's that way for everyone, though.

The winter provides a time to reflect; a time where one retreats into themselves, in the evening usually, and is left to their thoughts. I think what makes these winter thoughts so unique though, is this balance: it is the single time of year where you can think about the time you had and how you spent it, wasted it, or made the best of it, but also it is the same time where once thinks about the future and their plans, and ambitions and dreams for it.

Even if a person doesn't learn from the previous year, or follow through with any of their new resolutions, it is essential. To be able to look at the future with optimism and hope is what keeps us going; the thought of starting over, the excitement of something new, or the relief in leaving something behind.

But that's enough for now. I have some hoping and dreaming to do for myself.

God bless.

I don't wish for a lot.

But that's that.